The Big Sister

The Big Sister would like to thank Tara…sometimes this stuff seems really basic, but if we aren’t changing our behavior, it obviously isn’t as basic as we might think. Here’s her piece:

I don’t like the term politically correct. I don’t like it because it implies that the way I choose my words is intended to placate certain interest groups. Rather, I contend that our language reflects our attitudes and assumptions. Further, the way you speak becomes a tool for your peers to judge your character. If you speak in a way which holds a group of people in a certain light, your peers will have assumptions about the way in which you regard those groups, whether or not those assumptions are true.

When I hear oppressive language, I am personally offended. I’m one of those people who will not use the “gay” as a synonym for uncool; “bitch” as a title for an assertive, aggressive, or stupid female; or racial slurs in any context. But recently I’ve become uncomfortable with a new word, and even more uncomfortable with the fact that I hear it coming from the mouths of mostly men. I’ve been hearing people throw around the word “rape” jokingly, especially in the context of competition. As in, the winner rapes the loser.

We live in a boy’s world. Women are the weaker sex and we’ve got reminders everywhere we look: from how we trace our lineage to our government to our literature. Here we are taking self-defense classes and begging escorts at night with pepper spray in hand and 911 on speed dial, while the boys joke about our fears.

Since when did raping become winning? A very powerful and violent win, at that. We all know that rape is a terrible, horrible thing, but we’ve somehow let it become a casual metaphor for victory. And for extra emphasis, you can say “butt rape.” That’s even worse than “regular” rape in that it has the reputation for being the most defiling form of rape. It scares both men and women because either sex can be the victim. Winning or losing at sports or a game is not the same as forcing or being forced into nonconsensual sex. But no matter thecontext, laughing at rape completely trivializes the experiences of the victim. How can we stop rape when it’s a joke?

If you’ve ever experienced – or known someone who has experienced sexual violence or coercion, you can’t help but notice these kinds of phrases and cringe. And if you joke about rape, you are making yourself unavailable as a safe friend, as someone who is available to help or to listen. Joking about rape almost seems like a backwards step in the fight against the rape crisis, and we’ve got to move forward. So stop saying it, there’s got to be a better word.

by Lauren (Warning: This article contains spoilers for the 6th season of the TV show Scrubs. Don’t read if you don’t want to know some big things that happen in this season!)

It’s no secret I’m a big fan of the show Scrubs despite its outwardly gendered characterizations of its cast. I’ve already mentioned the problem of Carla and Turk, how on their wedding day Elliot exclaimed to Carla, “Oh my god, you never have to have sex again unless you want to!!!” and Carla’s immediate disinterest in sex after the wedding (until of course she wants to get pregnant… then she becomes an insatiable sex machine).

Charlie, my husband, and I are just now nearing the end of season six: Elliot just got engaged to her boyfriend Keith, of course it was a huge to-do. After their engagement (pre-planned so that Elliot could have it “exactly the way she’d always dreamed”), she begins planning the wedding and introduces her “Wedding Binder” that she has kept since she was a little girl. It’s full of all the details, all prearranged: the church that she’s actually booked every July 19 for the past 10 years, the dress, the seating arrangements, etc. It becomes clear that she has been planning for her wedding ever since she learned to talk.

The viewer is not surprised by this; Dr. Elliot Reed is an anal-retentive, control freak workaholic that lives half her life in an aristocratic fantasy world. But are we to take her pre-planned wedding arrangements as just an extension of her personality, or is there something else at work here?

Nobody, real or fictional, lives outside our decidedly gendered society. TV writers are no exception, and the characters they create are extensions of this. Sadly, we cannot believe Elliot’s reaction to her engagement is simply a comedic element of her character. We just can’t, especially when you consider how common this kind of behavior is. Elliot’s actions are exaggerated lampoons, sure, but the truth is women are taught from a very young age to dream of their future weddings, before they meet the person they are to marry, even before they can even begin to understand what love is!

Fortunately, we have the media to feed us ideas of what love is supposed to be. From Disney movies to folk tales to coloring books and dolls, young girls are taught from the get-go that their wedding will be the single most important day in their lives, so they’d better start dreaming now. And it’s amazing how many young girls actually do plan their weddings, or at least have some concept of how they want it to go, by the time they reach middle school. This is before they start dating, before they can possibly grasp the concepts of commitment and partnership, before they even know what they’re doing! Their dreams are hardly of love and partnership, but instead of capitalist, heterosexual fantasies that permeate the mind as girls develop into women.

Being one woman who definitely was a slave to her wedding day dreams at one point in time, I can attest to this: young girls imagine lavish weddings similar to those we see in fairy tales. And boy do we dream. We get together with friends and choose our dress styles, bridesmaids colors, flower arrangements, the works! (The popular game MASH comes to mind here.) While I am glad to say that I definitely grew out of that wedding fetish by the time I actually got engaged, and my wedding was nothing like I’d ever imagined (and thank god because my “dream wedding” was probably really tacky), that doesn’t make me any less concerned for young women today.

I started thinking about the times I was actually prompted to think about my wedding. One time I can remember was at ballet camp, where our teachers let us loose in the costume room and told us to pick out a “wedding dress,” choose a song, and make a dance we’d do if a ballet was made about our special day. It’s no surprise I remember everyone choosing a the same sequined white costume that we had to trade off and asking the teacher what the wedding song was in Sleeping Beauty.

You could write for pages and pages on the class implications of this activity. How many of us actually would have a wedding like Sleeping Beauty? Most young women do realize the “fairy tale” wedding is outside most of our families’ budgets by the time we actually start planning our own; even so, it’s no surprise every single detail of the traditional “big to-do” wedding reflects the fairy tale weddings we dreamed about as little girls, at least on some level.

It also made me realize how hard it will be if I have a daughter; I have to remember that simply keeping her away from Disney Princesses and Wedding Day Barbie is just not going to do the trick.

And this is a problem, especially when you consider the kinds of activities our male counterparts were doing while we were off in the corner writing our vows. They’re making believe they’re magical wizards, or sports stars, or adventurers, or some sort of animal, and we’re practically planning for the day when these wizards/ sports stars/ adventurers/ animals grow up and become princes. We’re thinking “some day my prince will come” before we even have the emotional and biological development to recognize what our individual “princes” (or “princesses!”) will be!

What sort of dreams would young girls have if we were taught to do anything but dream of becoming an upper-middle class, heterosexual bride? Many of us become successful human beings regardless of our wedding fetishes, whether we were ever able to shake them or not, but we must ask how things could have been different if we’d spent our childhoods playing explorer instead of house and dreaming of changing the world instead of our weddings. Where would that leave us, and better yet, where would that leave patriarchy?? You can say these gendered elements of our childhood are harmless normalities, good fun for little girls, and that Elliot Reed’s pre-planned wedding is simply a comedic element meant to entertain. But when you get right down to it, women today are selling themselves short, and it’s these very socialized elements that reinforce our behavior. If we don’t start encouraging our young women to think beyond the wedding, no one ever will. It’s not profitable, it’s not heteronormative, and it sure as hell does not sustain the controlling forces of patriarchy on which society profoundly depends…

When I was 12 or 13 I turned on the television. It was late, probably midnight or one. That doesn’t seem so late to me now, but I should not have been awake when I had to get up and go to middle school the next day. I flipped through the channels. I did this a lot. I liked being up while the rest of my family was asleep and the house was quiet. I felt grownup and independent.

I stopped on Howard Stern. I had seen his face before and I knew he was known for his raunchy shows. I was intrigued and I decided to watch. He had a woman on and was talking to her about her vagina. She had just had something called a labiaplasty. They showed a picture of what her genitals looked like before. Her inner labia, the inside lips of her vagina were large- they extended beyond her outer lips. She then pulled down her pants to show “after.” Her inner labia had been trimmed, almost all the way. They were barely even visible. Everyone complimented her on how nice her new porn star look was and she grinned into the camera and talked about how great she felt.

I sat there for a minute, not knowing what to think. My labia looked like the before picture. I had convinced myself when I was younger that I had made them that way by touching myself. I had figured out that this was silly, but now all of a sudden I had a reason to be self conscious about them again. My vagina was ugly. How had I not known?

I remained self conscious about my large labia for years. I felt like a freak, like it was something only a few people dealt with, and that it was something to be taken care of. It wasn’t until I mentioned this offhand to a partner when I was about 16, and he said it wasn’t weird at all, that I looked into it.

I found out that labia come in all shapes and sizes. I even found sites dedicated to people who LOVE large labias.

An increasing number of labiaplasties are being performed, though. Plastic surgeons are playing on girls’ and womens’ insecurities and encouraging them to have the procedure to “improve” their genitals.

An article at womensenews.org says:

Labiaplasty was once the domain of sex workers, nude entertainers, nude models, swimsuit models and the occasional woman who needed her labia reduced for medical reasons such as infection or pain. Not anymore. Doctors have reported that women from every walk of life and from ages 15 to 75 are having labia and cosmetic vaginal surgery.

Many doctors who perform the surgeries say while there are some women who opt for the surgery because they are unhappy or their labia has caused them physical discomfort, the bulk of the women getting this surgery are ultimately being pressured by men who want them to conform to a idea of beauty most often seen in the porn industry. Doctors say these women request the procedure because they are afraid of having “old looking” vaginas. Doctors Loftus and Young say feedback from male partners is the number one reason women request the surgery.

“The most common reason we hear is that they have had a negative comment made by a male sexual partner. Women are made to feel that they are not perfect the way they are and often it’s the partner that sets this off,” Loftus said.

This is not ok. Women need to know that their genitals are normal and beautiful, regardless of the size of their labias.

Even if you do experience discomfort, there are steps you can take before resorting to surgery. GoAskAlice suggests:

• wearing looser-fitting clothing or even skirts with nothing on underneath
• sleeping without underwear, in only a nightshirt or in the nude
• wearing only white, 100 percent cotton underwear and avoiding wearing undergarments made of nylon, acetate, or other synthetic fibers
• washing your vulva gently with plain warm water
• avoiding feminine hygiene sprays and deodorants, oils, bathing products, and/or talcum powder
• using non-deodorant tampons instead of sanitary pads during your period
• using plain, rather than flavored and/or scented, lubes, condoms, and/or dams
• talking with your health care provider about vaginal moisturizers

If you still experience problems like rubbing during sex or everyday activities, speak to your doctor about solutions. Be sure though, that you are talking to someone who is genuinely concerned with your wellbeing and not out to capitalize on your uncertainties about what society tells you your body should look like.

I am 22 now, and I still get self-conscious about my labia sometimes. I have to remind myself that there is nothing “normal” about having someone cut up my genitals, and that there is nothing abnormal about the way I look naturally. Like many issues of body image and self-esteem, it is an ongoing battle. I hope this article can help you with yours.

These are just a few examples of different ways that labia can look. These are drawings that were done by a woman named Betty Dodson, modeled after real women.

by Dominique

Being a woman in a band can be really difficult sometimes, but it’s definitely the most rewarding, exciting, and most fun things I’ve ever done. Starting out in my band The Two Funerals was amazing, because we were all at the same skill level on our instruments and pretty much learned together how to do band things. We wrote some shitty songs, practiced as much as we could, and eventually started to play shows. Our first shows were painfully bad when looking back on them, but it didn’t really matter. We were getting experience at playing in front of people. The fact that we are all women was kind of a huge deal at first because the scene in Blacksburg, VA where we live was very male-dominated. We get a lot of comments that are meant to be complimentary, but are really offensive, like “I normally don’t like girl bands but you were good”, as if every band with women in it were exactly the same. I think people are still really shocked to see women playing music, and so they don’t really know how to react. I personally get a lot of comments about being a female drummer, because that seems to be even rarer. Guys offer to help me with setting up, or ask about my equipment, which I really don’t care about discussing – we just like to play, not talk all day about what we use! But guys in our local scene are definitely all about talking equipment. We also sometimes get hit on, or just talked to way more than anyone would talk to guys in a band. It’s taken awhile, but we’ve learned how to deal with these instances, normally by just ignoring them if it’s offensive, or being sassy if it’s just annoying. These experiences definitely helped us grow into who we are now, because we began writing more meaningful songs about the things we were dealing with, and it really became a huge part of who we are. We also really bond over complaining together about the annoying stuff we’ve had to deal with. Starting out in a band with all women was the best way to go, Shannon and I are both in second bands now with men and the dynamic is intensely different, way more than I would have expected it to be. Not that it’s bad, just totally different; it’s kind of hard to explain.

I’d say if you are interested in starting a band, definitely try to start out with women you get along with really well. When we started out we were just acquaintances at high school, and now after four years Shannon and Abby are two of my closest friends. We’ve gone through extremely amazing shows, and really terrible ones. But that’s part of being in a band. As we’ve progressed we’ve realized how important the DIY punk scene is, and we’ve made a lot of friends out of town and are planning to go on tour this summer. I think for everyone in music there is a dream of becoming famous and living the whole rock-star ideal, but we’ve all really just become in love with playing, and prefer where we are now, because it’s way more important to play music you love with people you love than anything else.

So I’d say, go start a band if you can! Or if you don’t play an instrument, go to lots of shows in your area and support the bands that are playing locally and coming through on tour. I’ve had some of the best times of my life at house shows in basements with my friends. It makes music way more personal.

-Dominique, The Two Funerals and Hostile 17

Definitely feel free to contact me with any questions!!

www.myspace.com/thetwofunerals

thetwofunerals@hotmail.com

www.myspace.com/hostile17va

(Printed in The Big Sister Issue I…mostly from gurl.com with a few additions, exclusions, and changes)

Let’s start with the basics. Gender and sex are two different things. They are related, but they DO NOT mean the same thing. This confuses some people, but we promise, it’s not that confusing.Sex is how organisms (i.e. PEOPLE) are classified based on their reproductive organs and functions. Simply put, sex is based on BIOLOGY–whether someone has ovaries or a penis. Sex is what makes an individual MALE or FEMALE.

Gender classifies people by behavioral, cultural or psychological traits. Simply put, Gender is based on CULTURE (culture being made up of your practices, beliefs and objects or possessions). Gender is what makes an individual MASCULINE or FEMININE.

Need something more concrete? Here’s an example: Let’s say you’re female. You have ovaries, a vagina and all other girl parts. This is your sex.

gender is more complex. Let’s say you like to cheerlead and the color pink. You wear your hair long and have been known to cry in public. From this, we would assume your gender is feminine.

However, sometimes it’s not that clear cut. Your gender may not always be the same as your assigned sex. And that’s okay…

By now, you’re probably pretty familiar with the term STEREOTYPES. We have stereotypes for everything: different races, religions, skin colors. We also have stereotypes when it comes to gender.We are constantly bombarded with information about gender, whether it’s from the media or our own parents. Some of it is so subconscious that we don’t even question where these stereotypes came from; we just assume it’s uncontrollable.

Let’s start with GUYS or MEN. What are some typical stereotypes for being a man?

-Tough/muscular
-Unemotional
-Reasonable
-More sexual

What are some stereotypes for being a WOMAN or GIRL?

-Moody/emotional
-Catty
-Delicate
-Concerned with looks

Now, we know you’re probably saying, “But I’m not domestic (or any other word listed). I can barely cook a hotdog.” Hey, we know what you mean, but when it comes to stereotypes, it’s assumed that women are more domestic. And the numbers seem to support it. According to the U.S. Census Bureau from a report taken in May 2006, only 143,000 men are stay-at-home dads (compare that to 5.6 million stay-at-home moms).So why do women do more domestic work? Is it because domestic work is inherent to being a woman or is it something deeper? Maybe more women stay at home to raise their children because it’s assumed that women are better at that type of work. Maybe women put pressure on other women to be BETTER at domestic things. Maybe women feel like they SHOULD be better at raising children.

For example, check out the cover of any popular women’s magazine. Not only will it tell you how to deal with your child’s cold or get him or her into the best preschool, but it might also say something about learning how to please your man and get dinner on the table in less than 30 minutes. That’s a lot to do.

But, let’s get back to gender stereotyping. What happens when a man or a woman does not fulfill his or her gender stereotype? Well, if you’re a guy, you might be called names like pussy, girly, wimp, fag, homo, or told you play/act/look like a girl. And, if you’re a girl, you might be called dyke, lesbo, butch, or tomboy.

When we place people into very strict categories–when we choose to label certain people–it makes it hard for people to truly be themselves.

And by placing people into categories of “this” vs. “that,” it doesn’t leave much wiggle room. And when a lot of people do not fit into either or more than one…that can be lonely. It can be isolating. It can be emotionally and physically harmful.

It’s important to question gender roles and stereotypes because there are so many things we do just because it’s expected. And who wants to do that? Though we know, it can be intimidating to challenge stereotypes that have been around for centuries.

So, now that you’ve gotten the gender rundown, think about the ways gender affects your life. Is there anything holding you back? Do you notice people being pressured into certain gender roles or being made fun of for expressing non-traditional gender roles? There’s a lot to think about…once you start to look around.

Interested in Learning More? Check out:

My Gender Workbook by Kate Bornstein
Gender and the Politics of History by Joan Wallach Scott
Sex and Gender: An Introduction by Hilary M. Lips
Thinking About Women: Sociological Perspectives on Sex and Gender by Margaret Andersen

by Spencer (Originially published in The Big Sister Issue I)

Music has become an incredibly important part of modern culture, largely because of its extraordinary ability to group people with common interests. This is particularly true in the case of young folks: people like you and me who are going through some of the most crucial and formative times in our lives. Because we are in such important periods of mental and social development, our futures as individuals and as a society have a lot to do with the decisions we make now about how we will choose to frame our social environments and personal relationships. Because music is such a particularly large part of life for so many people, it is important for us to know that the choices we make when it comes to music can have a great deal of impact upon ourselves and the people around us. Before I go any further, I promise that this will not be a sermon or an attempt to make you listen to Raffi all your life (unless you want to). Hopefully this will just encourage some thought about a significant issue in music today and what we can do about it.

As a male in a society where men are the more privileged gender group, it took me a long time to recognize the degree to which even music is dominated by patriarchist sentiment. Of course, there are some examples that are none-too-hard to find. If either of use were to turn on the radio right now and scan for a minute we would almost certainly hear a song about whatever hip hop artist trying to find “something to poke on,” (to quote Dr. Dre) and MTV just takes all that and gives you the added visual. Mainstream musicians use their music and media attention to treat women as a commodity: something they get as a reward for looking and acting a certain way, driving the right cars, or wearing the right clothes.

Where I was caught off-guard by observing sexist trends was not within the mainstream. Instead, it was right under my nose within local independent music scenes. A few days ago I mentioned to a friend that I was writing this article and she got quite excited. She, a veteran member of the North Carolina indie rock community and a part of multiple musical projects, began to talk to me about how commonly bands will have a girl in the band just to serve as the “chick on stage,” with no regard for her talent at all. Beyond that, just about every show I’ve ever seen where there was a girl in the band (particularly frontwoman-type role) there has been constant yelling from the audience about how some guy wants to marry her. When one of the most negative aspects of mainstream manifests itself in such alternative subcultures, it becomes apparent just how unnoticed it really is.

This article isn’t meant to be a bummer, though, and on that note there is good news: there is plenty that we can do about it. If you’re listening to music and you decide that you don’t want to be treated like the man on the other side of your headphones is treating you, make a statement about it. There’s music of every genre that won’t call you names you don’t like, so no matter what kind of music you like there’s something out there for you.

If you realize you don’t like the way you’re being talked about by your music, you’re definitely not alone. There are plenty of people out there who are taking a stand against discrimination in music, and they range from famous musicians and political speakers to kids just like you and me. Plus, there are people out there who just need the notion brought up to realize they don’t like the way their music is treating them, either. Tell your friends when you get offended by the music that people are listening to. There’s a good chance they’ll see what you mean. Through actions as minor as that on a large scale, we can make a change in what is considered acceptable in our world. Why give your money to the rock star that makes you feel like you need to look or act a certain way, or to the rapper that just wants to take you home for the night before he even gets to know you? If songs like that aren’t profitable to the people writing them, they will stop writing them and people won’t have the man on stage telling them that it’s ok to think and act that way.

There are a million little things that we can all do to try to end discrimination coming through in our music, whether or not we are being directly insulted. From simply not supporting artists that insult you to starting awareness groups or your own band to spread the message, nothing is too big or too small. There’s no question, at least in my mind, that even the simplest things we can do can make our environments much safer and generally more enjoyable to be a part of. Happy listening!

(originally printed in The Big Sister Issue I)

Here’s a band that not only decided not to be sexist, they decided to be anti-sexist!

The Two Funerals mp3s are at myspace.com/thetwofunerals. We’re a three-piece, all-female, and feminist identified band out of Blacksburg, VA!

Sometimes if you need female role models in things you’re interested in like music, and you can’t find them, you just have to do it yourself! Don’t be afraid to pick up an instrument and try and learn it! We’ve been inspired by bands like Sleater-Kinney, Bikini Kill, and Le Tigre, and any other band that says FUCK YOU to the patriarchy!!!

Here are some lyrics to our song “Let Him Deal With It.” It’s not about succumbing to fascist beauty standards and letting “the man” deal with eating disorders instead of us ladies!

E-mail us if you want to talk about anything:

thetwofunerals@hotmail.com and add us on myspace!

<3, Dominique (drums): The Two Funerals

LET HIM DEAL WITH IT

a thousand women die every day, starve to death
looking in, sucked into their tv sets
look in any of their magazines, american dreams
tell me why did you get so upset?
so in this silent epidemic
the only way you get heard is if you’re beautiful
and if you’re concerned by your beauty
then you won’t threaten by thinking!
so now you’ve starved yourself to death
should we celebrate
the death of another woman
who just slipped away?
so what do we do about it?
i’ll tell you now
we give the guilt to the man
who started it (no supported it)
we give the guilt to the man
LET HIM DEAL WITH IT

(Originally Printed in the Big Sister Issue I)

Now is a great time to start thinking about plans for next summer! Want to learn some skills to start your own band? Check out these rock camps for girls!

Rock ‘N’ Roll Camp for Girls- Portland Oregon
Website: Girlsrockcamp.org
Myspace: Myspace.com/girlsrockcamp
Address: PO Box 11324
Portland, OR 97211
This camp was the first girls rock camp and it was basically the inspiration for all the other camps!

Willie Mae Rock Camp for Girls- New York
Website: Williemaerockcamp.org
Myspace: Myspace.com/williemaerockcamp
Ages: 8-18

Girls Rock Camp Philly- Philadelphia, PA
Website: Girlsrockcampphilly.org
Myspace: Myspace.com/girlsrockphilly
Address: PO Box 1512
Philadelphia, PA 19105
Ages: 10-18

Southern Girls Rock & Roll Camp- Murfreesboro, TN
Website: Sgrrc.org
Myspace: Myspace.com/sgrrc
Address: PO Box 331561
Murfreesboro, TN 37133
Ages: 10-17

Girls Rock! Chicago- Chicago, IL
Website: Girlsrockchicago.org
Myspace: Myspace.com/chicagorockcamp
Address: PO Box 180316
Chicago, IL 60618
Ages: 9-16

Or just check out www.girlsrockcamp.org

If you are over the age to go to camp, you are probably the age to volunteer to be a counselor, band coach, workshop teacher, etc. Also, a lot of the camps have Lady’s Rock Camp.

Some of the places have year round music lessons and stuff, so if you live in that area, check it out.

You do not have to live in any of those states to go to rock camp. Most of the camps will find you a family that will host you, but also some places tell you to make your own arrangements, check the FAQ.

You don’t have to wait for anyone to teach you how to rock, though! Just pick up an instrument and your best friends and go!

(Printed in The Big Sister Issue I…from gurl.com)

If you are raped, there are certain things you have to do immediately to increase the chances that your attacker will be apprehended and hopefully put away. Remember, though– it is your choice whether or not to press charges, so don’t let that stop you from getting help. This is NOT YOUR FAULT. Your number one priority is to take care of yourself!

Do not immediately bathe, wash or dispose of the clothes you wore during the attack–your body and clothes can provide important evidence for catching and prosecuting the rapist.

Tell someone–the police, a doctor, a friend or a counselor at a rape crisis center. There are rape crisis centers in every city, at most hospitals and on most college campuses. The national rape crisis phone number is 800-656-HOPE, and they will refer you to the closest center in your area. It might feel strange to contact some center for help where you don’t really know the people who will be helping you. However, the beauty of a rape crisis center is that the staff and volunteers are trained to deal with these situations. They don’t need personal information from you. They are there to help you.

As soon as possible, get yourself to a hospital or clinic. There you will receive the standard rape kit procedure, which collects evidence of rape. You will be able to talk to a counselor and will be told where you can get some follow-up counseling, which is highly recommended. Also, you will be offered emergency contraception and antibiotics to fight potential STDs.

In the weeks and months following a rape, get tested for STDs, pregnancy and, about six months after the attack, HIV infection.

Consider continuing counseling. After going through counseling, eventually it may be useful to join a rape support group. It is common to feel some sense of alienation from people who have never been through the sort of nightmare that you have endured after a rape, so meeting with a group of other rape survivors could be useful.

by Tara (originially published in The Big Sister Issue I)

A big part of feminism is educating women about sexual aggression and how to prevent it. We hear a lot about how to say no and how to be true to your comfort zone. But what about when you are comfortable with something and you do want to be touched?

Our society teaches women that they are not supposed to get what they want. It is time to destroy that idea. You, your partner, and your relationship will be much healthier when you’re both getting what you want.

Be direct and communicative with your partner from the start. If s/he puts his arm around you and you like it, tell him/her so. Something as simple as “I like this” and a smile can do the trick. However, if s/he puts his arm around you and tries to touch your breast and you don’t want his/her hand there, say so. Tell your partner where you are not comfortable being touched. You must be clear before another issue arises. A guy friend once told me that when a woman says no, a guy hears “Try again in three minutes.” Don’t let that be the case. Make it clear that you’ll let your partner know when you’re ready to progress to the next level. Do not let your partner try to rush you.

Try: I like your arm around me but I’m not ready for you to touch certain parts of my body yet.

However, when you are ready, don’t be afraid to voice your desire for more! If there are other things you’re into (for example, if you like it when your partner bites your lip when you’re kissing) bring it up. But be sure to bring it up during a time when you’re not intimate so that there is less pressure.

Try: Remember when I said I wasn’t comfortable having my body touched? I think I’m ready for that now.

So I was thinking about things we haven’t tried yet that I think might be really hot. How do you feel about having your lip bit when kissing? I like it when someone bites my lip.

Would you be comfortable with being a little bit rougher? I think it’s really hot when someone pulls my hair.

If your partner figures out something that you like, give him/her feedback. But remember to set boundaries before they’re broken. A big part of enjoying what you like is knowing that you don’t need to be nervous about any lines being crossed.

Try: I really like what you’re doing, but just so you know, I’m not ready to go any further than this.

It’s a huge turn on when you touch/squeeze/kiss my hips. Yes, it’s making me horny, but I am not ready for my pants to come off.

Always, always, always let yourself feel pleasure. Don’t EVER give up an orgasm because you’re too afraid to ask for what you want. No partner will EVER resent you for helping them pleasure you.

Try: I really like what you’re doing, can you use more pressure?

Move your finger in a come-here position?

Can you go a little faster?

Too fast, that hurts a little. No, faster than that. Yes, perfect.

Whoa, you’ve never done that before, that feels amazing! Keep doing that.

Can you go back to doing what you were doing before?

Don’t limit your communication to new experiences. Give your partner feedback on actions that you’ve already established as acceptable. Remind him/her that you like his/her arm around you. If you’re already getting naked together, keep asking for consent each time things seem to be headed that way. Establish that your consent will be required before any physical acts take place. It feels amazing to know that both you and your partner really want to be doing what you’re doing when you’re doing it. There will be days when both of you are not in the mood. Don’t consent to anything you don’t want to do.

Try: I want to make out with you.

I really feel like having sex with you right now.

Can I take your shirt off, or would you rather just keep kissing?

Most importantly, don’t be afraid to ask for what you want. If you want to make out, tell your partner you want to make out! Just make sure that you don’t make it an issue if your partner isn’t ready or isn’t in the mood. Don’t act disappointed and definitely don’t pull away entirely. If your partner is okay with kissing but wants everyone’s clothes to stay on, re-obtain permission to keep making out. The most important thing is that you enjoy each other’s company and keep lines of communication open.