The Big Sister

The Big Sister would like to thank Tara…sometimes this stuff seems really basic, but if we aren’t changing our behavior, it obviously isn’t as basic as we might think. Here’s her piece:

I don’t like the term politically correct. I don’t like it because it implies that the way I choose my words is intended to placate certain interest groups. Rather, I contend that our language reflects our attitudes and assumptions. Further, the way you speak becomes a tool for your peers to judge your character. If you speak in a way which holds a group of people in a certain light, your peers will have assumptions about the way in which you regard those groups, whether or not those assumptions are true.

When I hear oppressive language, I am personally offended. I’m one of those people who will not use the “gay” as a synonym for uncool; “bitch” as a title for an assertive, aggressive, or stupid female; or racial slurs in any context. But recently I’ve become uncomfortable with a new word, and even more uncomfortable with the fact that I hear it coming from the mouths of mostly men. I’ve been hearing people throw around the word “rape” jokingly, especially in the context of competition. As in, the winner rapes the loser.

We live in a boy’s world. Women are the weaker sex and we’ve got reminders everywhere we look: from how we trace our lineage to our government to our literature. Here we are taking self-defense classes and begging escorts at night with pepper spray in hand and 911 on speed dial, while the boys joke about our fears.

Since when did raping become winning? A very powerful and violent win, at that. We all know that rape is a terrible, horrible thing, but we’ve somehow let it become a casual metaphor for victory. And for extra emphasis, you can say “butt rape.” That’s even worse than “regular” rape in that it has the reputation for being the most defiling form of rape. It scares both men and women because either sex can be the victim. Winning or losing at sports or a game is not the same as forcing or being forced into nonconsensual sex. But no matter thecontext, laughing at rape completely trivializes the experiences of the victim. How can we stop rape when it’s a joke?

If you’ve ever experienced – or known someone who has experienced sexual violence or coercion, you can’t help but notice these kinds of phrases and cringe. And if you joke about rape, you are making yourself unavailable as a safe friend, as someone who is available to help or to listen. Joking about rape almost seems like a backwards step in the fight against the rape crisis, and we’ve got to move forward. So stop saying it, there’s got to be a better word.